The Languages of Appreciation

For several years I have taught The 5 Love Languages as part of the various marriage classes I have developed. I always thought there was an application for this material in the workplace. Well, I guess I was right because Gary Chapman and Paul White recently published The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace.

Their book is based on the 5 Love Languages framework and focuses on a need we all have: the need to be appreciated. We can understand this by placing it in the context of the various need theories of motivation we teach in Organizational Behavior courses. You're probably familiar with one of these models: Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. According to these models, a need is any perceived psychological or physiological deficiency. When we experience a deficiency, our behavior is driven to eliminate that deficiency. When the need is met, it no longer motivates our behavior.

Unlike the needs in Maslow's hierarchy that go away when they are satisfied, I think the need to be appreciated remains constant. But like feeling loved, each of us has our own unique way that we want that appreciation expressed. Successful leaders understand this and work hard to understand the "appreciation language" of their followers. In fact, these leaders become students of their followers and customize the way they express their appreciation.

So what are the 5 Languages of Appreciation?

1. Words of Affirmation: These can be expressed verbally or in handwritten notes.
2. Quality Time: Spending time with the person, asking - and actually listening to the their response - how they're doing, just dropping by their office and giving them focused attention.
3. Acts of Service: This would include pitching in to help on a project or sharing the load on an important deadline-driven assignment.
4. Tangible Gifts: Rather than generic awards and plaques, these gifts should be customized for the individual. What would be meaningful to them? Concert tickets to see their favorite band; World Series Tickets
5. Physical Touch: Chapman and White downplay this one for the workplace -for obvious reasons.

As with the Love Languages, we tend to default to our own preferred language when expressing appreciation (or love). If I am going to be effective in communicating my appreciation - and by effective I mean in a way that my appreciation is really felt by the recipient - then I must communicate in their language.

That may mean that I need to get out of my comfort zone, and that's OK, because leadership is not about me.

Mentored ... From a Distance

One of the books I finally got around to reading this summer was Howard Gardner's Leading Minds. It had been in my library for a while, but I hadn't read it. (There are several books in that category. Its the consequence of a book fetish!)

Gardner makes a distinction between leading directly and leading indirectly. I think we could also apply that distinction to mentoring. There have been several men who have mentored me directly. But there have also been several who mentored me indirectly.

This idea came to me this summer as I began arranging my books on the new bookshelves we added this summer. I have a section in the shelves for the books and authors who had made a significant impact on my spiritual life.

Here are the books that inhabit that special section in my library:

Joe Aldrich, Life-Style Evangelism. This says more about what the church and believers should be, than what we should do.

Gary Friesen, Decision-Making and the Will of God.

Jerry Bridges, The Practice of Godliness and The Pursuit of Holiness.

John MacArthur, The Ultimate Priority. In case your wondering, the ultimate priority is worship. Between this book and Doug Sherman's book, I learned that worship is a "whole-life" concept and that everything we do is to be lived out as an act of worship.

Doug Sherman, Your Work Matters to God; How to Balance Competing Time Demands; and How to Succeed Where it Really Counts. Doug's books helped me to develop my whole-life view of success based on his idea of the pentathlon.

Lewis Sperry Chafer, He That is Spiritual. The best book on the doctrine of the Holy Spirit and what it means to "walk in the spirit."

Philip Yancey, Disappointment with God and The Jesus I Never Knew.

Chuck Swindoll, Strike the Original Match. Still my go-to book on marriage. This is the foundational text for the Legacy Marriage course I developed.

Gene Getz, Sharpening the Focus of the Church. Ahead of his time in calling for a church that is relevant to the culture in which it operates.

Richard Foster, Prayer. The introduction alone is powerful.

Gordon McDonald, Ordering Your Private World; Restoring Your Spiritual Passion; Rebuilding Your Broken World; The Life God Blesses; Mid-Course Correction; A Resilient Life; and Building Below the Water Line.

I consider these books mentors- although from a distance through the written word - just as much as I do those who mentored me directly.

They aren't substitutes for the direct mentors, but they are strong complements.

We need both.

Catch and Release

Many of my friends – and my son – really enjoy fishing. For them it’s the joy of being on the water early in the morning or late in the evening, patiently casting and recasting. The thrill comes when a fish takes the bait and the fight is on to bring it in.

Successfully reeling it in is always accompanied by some shouting, some bragging, and on a few occasions - picture taking. (Now, I have to admit that these fish all look the same and I have even wondered if it wasn’t the same fish being caught over and over. Or, the same picture being recycled.)

Earlier this summer, I said good-bye to a man I have been mentoring for the last 6 years. It wasn’t really good-bye, but he has moved to Colorado and our relationship will change. And that’s OK.

I have thought a lot about how our relationship has evolved over the last 6 years. In many ways, it can be described as “catch and release.”

I “caught” him 6 years ago when I was serving as Dean and he was making a career transition. He was already a very accomplished author and consultant, but he was new to the academic world.

I invested intentionally in him for 6 years. Like a proud father, I watched with great pleasure as he became a star on the faculty and was named the first winner of a very prestigious teaching award. We wrote several papers together, and just last month submitted our book manuscript to the publisher. It has been a great collaborative relationship, and that collaboration will continue, even at a distance.

Those of us who mentor others understand that these opportunities present themselves for a season. We have people for a season, we make intensely intentional investments in them, and then we release them.

Like fishing: It’s all about “catch and release.”

Easton J Whittington is here!

One week ago today, Easton arrived!

I say finally because we tried to accelerate his arrival on May 24th, but his time had not yet come!

We all got to experience first-hand the truth of John 16:21:

^"Whenever a woman is in labor she has pain, because her hour has come; but when she gives birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish because of the joy that a child has been born into the world. "

Shannon and Justin have been great in taking on their new roles as Mommy and Daddy.

And Lolly and Pops are excited to have our grandparenting roles expanded!

Best Advice Ever?

Its graduation season. All across the country friends and families are gathering to watch their children, siblings, and sometimes even their parents walk across the stage, receive a diploma, and shake the university president's hand. They aim their cameras at the stage to catch the precise moment when the years of sacrifice, prayer, and holding of breath wondering if this would ever happen, finally culminates.

A key element of the graduation ceremony is the commencement address where a speaker challenges the graduates to go forth and make a difference in their world. These speeches are often filled with wisdom and sage advice.

As I reflected on this process while attending a graduation ceremony recently, I began thinking about the advice that I have received over the years. These are some things I might tell graduates if I ever deliver a commencement address again. (Yes, you read it correctly. I have done two of them).

Here is a sampling from the inventory of advice I have collected over the years:

"As a manager, your job is to create an environment where people can perform." (From my father when I got my first managerial position)

"As a teacher, your job is to create an environment where people can learn." (From my dad when I first started teaching)

"The greatest inheritance a father can give his children is to love their mother." (From Ken Kilinski, pastor of Pantego Bible Church)

"Know what you know; know what you don't know and don't be afraid to ask for help." (From Jim, CEO Industrial Air & Hydraulics)

"If its not illegal, immoral, or permanent, don't make a federal case out of it." (Parenting advice from our friend Karla )

"Don't let your children come home from college for the first six weeks of the freshman year." (Parenting advice from our friends the Holders)

Those are some gems of wisdom I have received. I'd like to hear from you.

What is the best advice you have received?

WEIRD Leadership

“If you want what normal people have, do what normal people do. If you want what few people have, do what few people do.”

Over the last several weeks at LifeChurch, our pastor, Craig Groeschel has been in a series called “Weird.” He has challenged us to be weird – in a God-way – because normal isn’t working. He has talked about being weird in a God-way in terms of relationships, sex, finances, the use of time, and our values.

I want to extend the WEIRD paradigm to leadership. I think we need to become weird leaders, because … normal leadership does not work. As I thought about this paradigm extension, I decided that Legacy Leadership is weird!

What does weird leadership look like? Here are a few weird – Legacy -leadership principles:

1. Legacy leaders are weird because they understand that leadership is not about them, but that it starts with them. They know that leadership begins within and works its way out. Their being – character and integrity – determines their doing.

2. Legacy leaders are weird because they are intensely intentional about investing themselves in others. This is really weird because some of the people we invest in will leave our organization and join other organizations. Legacy leaders are weird because they think that is OK. They invest deeply in people to help them become all that God designed them to be, and they are comfortable with the idea that in order for people to flourish they may need a different environment.

3. Legacy leaders are weird because they measure their impact by changed lives, not market share, revenue growth, building campaigns, or the size of the audience.

4. Legacy leaders are weird because they are intensely intentional about creating more legacy leaders.

5. Legacy leaders are weird because they take the idea of legacy seriously. They understand that living and leading a legacy is about being a blessing to others now and for generations to come.

As leaders, I think it’s time to get weird! Because normal is not working.

Read Early, Read Often

I hated reading when I was a kid. My mother would take me to the public library in Odessa and I would check out books based on the number of pictures. I just didn't like to read.

When I went to Austin College, something happened. I became enamored with the world of ideas, and started to read. I became obsessed with reading. That obsession continues to grow. Some would even say I have a book fetish! There are books everywhere in my house and my office.

I really love to read. And I read a lot - as you probably know by now. I am not a fast reader; but, I am a diligent reader. I read every morning during my "quiet time." ( I really don't like that phrase, but I don't know what else to call it.) I read while riding the stationary bike at the gym, and I read every night before I fall asleep. I read early and often.

The pace of my reading is off some this year. I am reading some really long books, so the quantity isn't at the same pace as the last few years. But so far, I think the quality is up. Here's the list so far - a kind of first quarter report (for those of you who are conditioned to think in terms of quarterly reviews):

1. An Object of Beauty, Steve Martin

2. House Rules, Jodi Picoult

3. What I Didn't Learn in Business School: How Strategy Works in the Real World, Jay Barney & Trish Gorman Clifford

4. South of Broad, Pat Conroy

5. Black Heels to Tractor Wheels, Ree Drummond

6. 1776, David McCullough

7. Cutting for Stone, Abraham Verghese

8. Happy to Do It: Get Your Snap On, Randy Draper

9. Heaven is for Real, Todd Burpo

10. Beach Music, Pat Conroy