My Proverbs 31 Woman

31 years ago today I stood in the Marsh living room and exchanged wedding vows with Laura. It was a small, informal ceremony, but all the people who had been significant in my life up to that time were there.

I was nervous. In fact I was sweating so bad that I went outside to cool off. Laura’s dad came outside with me. I have always wondered if he thought I might be bolting at the last minute.

I didn’t bolt. And 31 years later I can say I would do it all over again!

What a wonderful life we have had together. And it just keeps getting better and better!

If you have been around us, you know that I often praise Laura and refer to her as “My Proverbs 31 Woman.”

Just in case you aren’t familiar with that concept, here’s some of the passage I am referring to:

10An excellent wife, who can find?
For her worth is far above jewels.

11The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain.

12She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.

25Strength and dignity are her clothing,
And she smiles at the future.

26She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

28Her children (and now her grand-children!) rise up and bless her;
Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:
29"Many daughters have done nobly,
But you excel them all."

An excellent wife, who can find?

I thank the Lord that I did.

Boldness Amid Opposition

Leadership is about change. In fact, the phrase “change-agent” is often used to describe the work of a leader. Change is usually met with resistance if not outright opposition because leaders challenge the status quo. They challenge what is, and provide us a vision of a desirable future that appeals to our head and our heart. Yet, no matter how appealing that vision may be, change always creates stress and discomfort. In fact, change may create severe resistance and active opposition.

In spite of this opposition, leaders must have the courage to boldly continue to lead.

Paul exemplified this courageous persistence throughout his ministry. He states that “we had the boldness [italics added] in our God to speak to you the gospel of God amid much opposition [italics added]” (1 Thessalonians 2:2).

Leaders must be bold. But boldness is not bullying. Sometimes boldness is standing firm. And sometimes it is standing firm, quietly.

I came across a wonderful example of this kind of boldness while reading a collection of David Halberstam's sports writing, Everything They Had. He recounts the following conversation between Jackie Robinson and Branch Rickey during their first meeting:

Robinson: "Mr. Rickey, what do you want? Do you want a player with guts enough to fight back?"

Rickey: "I want a player with guts enough not to fight back."

That's a different - and refreshing -take on boldness. Leaders with strong personalities have a tendency to to steam roll over opposition and treat resistance as something to be eliminated. They view resistance as a whack-a-mole game at Chuck E. Cheese.

A more constructive approach is to view resistance as feedback.

While it is rarely stated this explicitly, resistance is actually a call for greater communication.

Those who resist change are doing so out of one or more types of fear: Fear of loss – of job, status, or relationships or fear of the unknown. Leaders need to reframe this resistance as a form of feedback. Resistance is telling the leader that there are concerns, fears, and underlying issues that have not been fully addressed.

A perceptive leader will recognize this as an opportunity to build commitment by proactively seeking to understand and address these issues.

Do you have that kind of boldness?

Do you have "guts enough to not fight back" and reframe resistance as feedback?

Projection

I don't know about you, but when someone tells me to trust them, a warning sign goes off. When someone says, "Trust me on this," it automatically causes me to wonder about their trustworthiness.

You see, I am a high-trust person and my tendency is to trust people until they give me a reason not to. So when someone tells me to trust them, I am suspect. Why are you having to tell me to trust you?

I have been thinking about this a lot lately.

One explanation for this phenomena may be provided by the pyschological concept of projection. Projection is the tendency to project on to others the same traits we possess, yet deny. Projection occurs when a person's own unacceptable or threatening feelings are repressed and then attributed to someone else.

I have been working my way through a series of studies in the Older Testament. Recently, I came across this description of Jacob:

"Jacob was also hindered by his own bad character. He had been deceitful and treacherous to others, including his own twin brother (whose birth-right he had stolen), and he therefore expected others to treat him in the same manner. Men who are not trustworthy have a very difficult time trusting others - including God, the only One who is truly trustworthy." (MacArthur, The Father of Israel, p. 89).

Trust is a key component of any relationship and it is particularly important in the leader-follower relationship. Think about it: Do you want to follow a leader you don't trust?

So, when a leader begins to demand that we trust them, or to demand our loyalty, I begin to wonder about this idea of projection.

• Are you demanding trust and loyalty because you are not trustworthy and loyal?
• Are you expecting me to breach trust and become disloyal because you yourself aren't trustworthy and loyal?

Some Call It Leadership

I don't.

When "leaders" scream and rant at followers...
When "leaders" demand respect, trust and loyalty, yet do not reciprocate...
When "leaders" lord their authority over the people in their organization rather serving them by creating an environment where people can flourish...

That is not leadership!

I understand that respect, trust and loyalty are important ingredients for effective leadership. But, those are gifts that followers give to leaders based on the leader's character.

When a leader is respectable, people will respect her.

When a leader is trustworthy, people will trust him.

When a leader is loyal, their followers will be loyal.

But demanding those responses without first living the character traits that warrant those responses isn't leadership. Demanding these responses without initiating the same attitude toward followers is not leadership. Demanding that these attitudes flow toward the leader is not leadership.

In fact, demanding any response is not leadership.

In his classic, Pulitzer-prize winning book Leadership, James MacGregor Burns makes a sharp distinction between power-wielding and leadership.

Power wielders use the resources of their power bases that are relevant to the attainment of their own purposes. In contrast, Burns defines leadership as a process that takes place in the context of a relationship between leaders and followers. Through this process, leaders induce followers to achieve goals that represent the values, motivations, wants, needs, aspirations and expectations of both leaders and followers. Thus, leadership is viewed as a mutually beneficial relationship. As such, leadership, unlike naked power wielding, is inseparable from followers’ needs and goals. According to Burns, “power wielders may treat people as things, but leaders may not. All leaders are actual or potential power holders, but not all power holders are leaders” (p.18).

I think its high time that we began to take seriously the difference between power-wielding and leadership.

Are you a self-serving power wielder?

Or are you a servant leader?