My Proverbs 31 Woman

31 years ago today I stood in the Marsh living room and exchanged wedding vows with Laura. It was a small, informal ceremony, but all the people who had been significant in my life up to that time were there.

I was nervous. In fact I was sweating so bad that I went outside to cool off. Laura’s dad came outside with me. I have always wondered if he thought I might be bolting at the last minute.

I didn’t bolt. And 31 years later I can say I would do it all over again!

What a wonderful life we have had together. And it just keeps getting better and better!

If you have been around us, you know that I often praise Laura and refer to her as “My Proverbs 31 Woman.”

Just in case you aren’t familiar with that concept, here’s some of the passage I am referring to:

10An excellent wife, who can find?
For her worth is far above jewels.

11The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain.

12She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.

25Strength and dignity are her clothing,
And she smiles at the future.

26She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

28Her children (and now her grand-children!) rise up and bless her;
Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:
29"Many daughters have done nobly,
But you excel them all."

An excellent wife, who can find?

I thank the Lord that I did.

Boldness Amid Opposition

Leadership is about change. In fact, the phrase “change-agent” is often used to describe the work of a leader. Change is usually met with resistance if not outright opposition because leaders challenge the status quo. They challenge what is, and provide us a vision of a desirable future that appeals to our head and our heart. Yet, no matter how appealing that vision may be, change always creates stress and discomfort. In fact, change may create severe resistance and active opposition.

In spite of this opposition, leaders must have the courage to boldly continue to lead.

Paul exemplified this courageous persistence throughout his ministry. He states that “we had the boldness [italics added] in our God to speak to you the gospel of God amid much opposition [italics added]” (1 Thessalonians 2:2).

Leaders must be bold. But boldness is not bullying. Sometimes boldness is standing firm. And sometimes it is standing firm, quietly.

I came across a wonderful example of this kind of boldness while reading a collection of David Halberstam's sports writing, Everything They Had. He recounts the following conversation between Jackie Robinson and Branch Rickey during their first meeting:

Robinson: "Mr. Rickey, what do you want? Do you want a player with guts enough to fight back?"

Rickey: "I want a player with guts enough not to fight back."

That's a different - and refreshing -take on boldness. Leaders with strong personalities have a tendency to to steam roll over opposition and treat resistance as something to be eliminated. They view resistance as a whack-a-mole game at Chuck E. Cheese.

A more constructive approach is to view resistance as feedback.

While it is rarely stated this explicitly, resistance is actually a call for greater communication.

Those who resist change are doing so out of one or more types of fear: Fear of loss – of job, status, or relationships or fear of the unknown. Leaders need to reframe this resistance as a form of feedback. Resistance is telling the leader that there are concerns, fears, and underlying issues that have not been fully addressed.

A perceptive leader will recognize this as an opportunity to build commitment by proactively seeking to understand and address these issues.

Do you have that kind of boldness?

Do you have "guts enough to not fight back" and reframe resistance as feedback?

Projection

I don't know about you, but when someone tells me to trust them, a warning sign goes off. When someone says, "Trust me on this," it automatically causes me to wonder about their trustworthiness.

You see, I am a high-trust person and my tendency is to trust people until they give me a reason not to. So when someone tells me to trust them, I am suspect. Why are you having to tell me to trust you?

I have been thinking about this a lot lately.

One explanation for this phenomena may be provided by the pyschological concept of projection. Projection is the tendency to project on to others the same traits we possess, yet deny. Projection occurs when a person's own unacceptable or threatening feelings are repressed and then attributed to someone else.

I have been working my way through a series of studies in the Older Testament. Recently, I came across this description of Jacob:

"Jacob was also hindered by his own bad character. He had been deceitful and treacherous to others, including his own twin brother (whose birth-right he had stolen), and he therefore expected others to treat him in the same manner. Men who are not trustworthy have a very difficult time trusting others - including God, the only One who is truly trustworthy." (MacArthur, The Father of Israel, p. 89).

Trust is a key component of any relationship and it is particularly important in the leader-follower relationship. Think about it: Do you want to follow a leader you don't trust?

So, when a leader begins to demand that we trust them, or to demand our loyalty, I begin to wonder about this idea of projection.

• Are you demanding trust and loyalty because you are not trustworthy and loyal?
• Are you expecting me to breach trust and become disloyal because you yourself aren't trustworthy and loyal?

Some Call It Leadership

I don't.

When "leaders" scream and rant at followers...
When "leaders" demand respect, trust and loyalty, yet do not reciprocate...
When "leaders" lord their authority over the people in their organization rather serving them by creating an environment where people can flourish...

That is not leadership!

I understand that respect, trust and loyalty are important ingredients for effective leadership. But, those are gifts that followers give to leaders based on the leader's character.

When a leader is respectable, people will respect her.

When a leader is trustworthy, people will trust him.

When a leader is loyal, their followers will be loyal.

But demanding those responses without first living the character traits that warrant those responses isn't leadership. Demanding these responses without initiating the same attitude toward followers is not leadership. Demanding that these attitudes flow toward the leader is not leadership.

In fact, demanding any response is not leadership.

In his classic, Pulitzer-prize winning book Leadership, James MacGregor Burns makes a sharp distinction between power-wielding and leadership.

Power wielders use the resources of their power bases that are relevant to the attainment of their own purposes. In contrast, Burns defines leadership as a process that takes place in the context of a relationship between leaders and followers. Through this process, leaders induce followers to achieve goals that represent the values, motivations, wants, needs, aspirations and expectations of both leaders and followers. Thus, leadership is viewed as a mutually beneficial relationship. As such, leadership, unlike naked power wielding, is inseparable from followers’ needs and goals. According to Burns, “power wielders may treat people as things, but leaders may not. All leaders are actual or potential power holders, but not all power holders are leaders” (p.18).

I think its high time that we began to take seriously the difference between power-wielding and leadership.

Are you a self-serving power wielder?

Or are you a servant leader?

The Wheels Came Off

"... you've got a wheel in the ditch and a wheel on the track ..."

My middle daughter Jordan and I enjoy music and our interests overlap - although not completely. We both like Guy Clark and the Rolling Stones. But, I can't go with her on Britney Spears.

One of the things we like to do is pick lines from songs and email them to each other. Its kind of like the old TV show Name That Tune. You have to respond with the next line in the song. I ran that line from Neil Young's Alabama by her the other day. She didn't know the song.

The entire song doesn't fit, but that particular line has been on my mind for about two months. For about two months I have had a wheel in the ditch and a wheel on the track.

I had overloaded myself - again - with too many commitments and eliminated all the margin from my schedule. The signs were everywhere, but I kept ignoring them:

Every horizontal surface in my life has piles of stuff on it: the dryer in the utility room, my nightstand, the window shelf in the kitchen, the bookcase in the den, the tables in the game room.

My car hasn't been washed in a month. Stuff is piled in the back seat and in the trunk.

My reading list which usually has 6-8 books per month will have only 3 this month (unless I can't sleep tonight).

I have not posted a blog entry since October 8.

My workout routine is no longer routine.

"And you may ask yourself: How did I get here?"

(Name that artist and the title of the song for bonus points!)

Well, I got here the same way I always do: one step at a time. Every commitment that I added was a step in a direction. Every additional commitment was a step along the path that leads to the overload of marginless living. And the consequence is emotional exhaustion.

I heard recently that we teach what we most need to learn. There will be several people in my life who read this who have heard me teach on this subject many times. Well, now you know why: I teach others what I most need to learn myself.

I was driving home one day this week talking to Laura on the phone as I did. I passed by a church whose billboard said: "Jesus said, 'No one comes to the Father except by me.'" I read it to Laura as I drove by.

She immediately adopted that as her new rule: "No one come to J.Lee except by me."

I am blessed to have a wife who loves me so much and tries so hard to protect me from myself. I would be even more blessed if I heeded the warning signs and listened to her more diligently.

The way out of this mess is remarkably similar to the way in. One step at a time, I must make decisions that lead me on a different path. I must honor the commitments I made for this season. But, fortunately this season will be ending soon.

Going forward, my goal is to gain greater focus on the areas where I can make the greatest contribution. This will require me to radically eliminate those commitments that are simply not the best use of my time, talent, and emotional energy.

The Leader's Temptations - Part 2

In his book, In the Name of Jesus, Henri Nouwen uses the temptations faced by Jesus to identify three additional temptations that leaders face.

The first temptation is to be relevant. When Satan confronted Jesus, the first challenge he issued was to turn stones into bread. Leaders are proactive by nature and we always want to make a difference. We are fixers. And we have difficulty admitting that the problem being faced is beyond us or that we haven't seen a situation like this before. Ron Heifetz calls these adaptive challenges.

In these situations, we need to drop our guard and all pretense of of adequacy and offer just ourselves. To do this requires us to be vulnerable, open, and transparent. Only then can we move in along side the people facing the problem and do the adaptive work required to deal with the challenge.

The second temptation is to be spectacular. Satan told Jesus to throw Himself down and let the angels come and save Him. "But Jesus refused to be a stunt man. He did not come to prove Himself. He did not come to walk on hot coals, swallow fire, or put his hand in the lion's mouth in order to prove He had something to say." Its tempting for leaders to want to be the hero, the white knight, in a word - the savior. Our unchecked egos send us down that path. In these tempting moments, we need to remember that leading is not about us. It is not about our reputation. It is about serving others.

The third temptation is to be powerful. Satan's third throwdown was "All this I will give you if you will bow down and worship me." The temptation here is to be in control, to be in charge. Its a need for power on steroids.

I see a theme running through each of these temptations. Its the bent we all have toward ourselves. To counter each of these temptations, we need to remember: "Its not about me."

Our adequacy for leadership is not self-made. Our adequacy has been given to serve others, not to promote self. Yet, we are selfish and self-centered by nature, and we tend to think that our ability and our adequacy for leadership is self-made.

We need to remember the words of Paul in 2 Corinthians 3: 4-6:

"Such confidence we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God, who also made us adequate as servants of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life."

When we are tempted to be relevant, when we are tempted to be spectacular, when we are tempted to be powerful, we lose this perspective. When we lose this perspective, we are on the road to derailment as a leader.

The longer I serve in leadership positions, the more I realize the need to release. I need to release my reputation, release my need to be in charge, release my need to be praised for saving the day. Leadership is about developing others. Leaders prepare others to lead. We cannot do that when we are obsessed with our own reputations or to be in control.

Only when I release my self can I truly serve others.

Step to the Line

The room was crowded. One side was packed with business executives and MBA students – all suited up. The other side was packed with men – all suited up - in their prison-issued jump suits.
Catherine stood at the front of the room and asked us to stand up and stack the chairs against the wall. When this task was completed, we noticed a blue line running down the middle of the floor.

The rules were: “If the characteristic is true of you, step to the line.”

The first few were easy: If you like ice cream, step to the line. It was crowded at the line as people from both sides stepped up.

When asked if you liked chocolate ice cream, a few stepped back, but the majority remained.

The statements became increasingly more personal, more dramatic.

If you grew up in a broken home … step to the line.

If you were emotionally abused … step to the line.

If you were physically abused … step to the line.

If you have ever abused drugs or alcohol … step to the line.


As we went through this exercise, we came to the dramatic realization that there really wasn't much difference in the people on the other side of the room. We were dressed differently, but when you get beyond those superficial externalities, we had a lot in common.

I also realized that but for the grace of God, I could easily have been on the other side of that line.

This is a scene from a visit to the Cleveland Unit of the Texas prison system that houses the Prison Entrepreneurship Program – PEP.

There’s not much that separates us from those men on the other side of the line. There’s not much that separates the men in that program, in that prison, from those of us on the outside.

This week I spent some time with men who have graduated from the PEP program and have been released from prison. They are starting a new life as productive members of society. Some have started their own business, some have started new jobs. Some still need a job.

There’s not much that separates us. As I spent time with them this week, I noticed one key - and refreshing - distinction: they aren’t putting up any fronts. They aren't masquerading as something they are not. They are honest about their mistakes and shortcomings, and as one of them told me: “I am committed to my change.”

Are you willing to admit your weaknesses? Step to the line.

Are you willing to own your mistakes? Step to the line.

Are you willing to admit your piece of the messes in your life? Step to the line.

Are you willing to drop your guard and be real? Step to the line.

Are you committed to your change?

Step to the line.